Hi guys it’s Tatyana Jeon here and I finna Get personal. So if anyone of you guys ever talked to me I am relatively a mood maker some of my friends call me the black version of Jhope.
(Only if that was true) Now this is pardon my French hella late and it was because I didn’t want the other peoples view of me to change, this was supposed to be posted a week ago maybe? And watching my boys slay (My gurl pink and Diana Ross) at the AMAs I was like wait this defeats the purpose right? So anyway you will learn a lot about science and myself so brace yourself for the longest post I’ve ever made and the most personal post.
Well first off lemme tell I absolutely hate girls that point out “flaws” no stop. I know not everybody loves themselves but I can’t stand it I don’t hate the person just the fact they do it. Anyway since I guess we are telling life stories ( :joy: ) might as well tell you mine.
Okay *sigh* also if you know me you know I like science every since like the third grade. So lemme explain your eye has 8 muscles okay this is pretty much what keeps your eye straight and not rolling to the back of your head. Sometimes these muscles can weaken and your eyes will not be aligned right. This is called Amblyopia (aka lazy eye). The position can vary from up,down,left,and right. Now a lazy eye isn’t simply connected with your eye muscles this can effect your brain. This should be treated as a kid. Symptoms-
•Blurred Vision
•Double Vision
•Poor Depth Perception
•Eyes Appear Not To Work Together
•An Eye Turn (left,right,up,down)
I know weird stuff right. Most countries have kids around 3-5 or before they enter preschool, they also keep checking in regularly because when it is first spotted it can be fixed. But as years go on it can get worse. After the child turns 8yrs old the likelihood of it improving drops significantly. Well guys I’m 14 I’m a good 6yrs overdue. If it gets worse I could go blind. You know wake up on day and not see the anything anymore. No more kpop,no more Amino, no more cooking, and the one that hurts the most no more dancing. My one escape gone. Just more pity people have for me already.
So the possibility of me every time I walk down the school hallways also know as hell it won’t be a single person who won’t stop and stare there will never be a time where someone won’t ask “are you even looking at me?”. So let’s talk insecurities we all have them to be honest it’s just not everybody sits there in a mirror trying to make their eyes shift so they are aligned. I can’t explain how much it pisses me off when
1) People talk about flaws from other people
2) Pushovers.
The amount of disrespect you have to talk about someone’s flaws (and no ladies and gentlemen body size is not and will never be a flaw) especially when it is something they can’t change for instance me. I can’t make my eyes aligned unless I go under the knife. But no matter how many times I stood up for myself I was brought down by teachers,bullies,students, and sometimes sadly my own older siblings. I was constantly pushed over that I couldn’t make decisions for myself and I eventually became mute. And why? Because of stupid f*cking eye.
Because at sometimes of the day my eye would drift off and I hated it so much that I developed a twitch in that eye which made it worse. I came home every single day in the eighth grade balling so that no would dare see me cry during school.(What tears are weakness bro)
Now why should I tell you this?Well I’ve been surrounded by people who actually hate me. For two reasons one I’m a ionate hotheaded black woman. And two let’s be honest here guys I’m not f**king normal. I already at this prestigious all white school as one of few black children and don’t get me wrong I got absolutely no problem with people of majority. But at school I was constantly put down for being black and I hated myself and my skin my race literally EVERYTHING. And, what hurt the most was I couldn’t lavish out on them because what would I being doing? Proving a point. Showing them yes all black women are angry which is far from the truth. So unless I wanted to fit stereotypes I had to shut up and let everything slide.
Now when I say I hate myself I mean Iwas crying in the bathroom as I wrote this looking at my now pale face yelling I hate you. And I mean every single word. And I point out all my flaws and I tell myself how I should end it all and I always mean everything single word. I honestly do. Always have always will. I HATE GIRLS WHO POINT OUT THEIR FLAWS!!!
And you know I wish I could tell you I’m happy I’m out of that middle school and I’m happy and all my anxiety,depression,anger,self harm,self hate, self pity. Everything under the Emo(and gay) rainbow is gone. And,I have a happily ever after but no I don’t. It gotten worse I have insomnia, maybe even a eating disorder who knows. I honestly don’t give af right now. All I know is I wish I could be normal. I wish I could be happy. I honestly wish I love myself.
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