[fanfic] shades of red: chapter five

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    Jungeun blinked groggily over the steaming cup of coffee held in front of her face. Jinsoul and Yerim had barged into her house at an ungodly hour the following morning and had all but dragged her from her bed to go on a shopping trip in the city. "Oh, also, we're meeting up with this girl named Haseul that we recently met. You'd really like her, Jungeun, she's super down to earth," Yerim chattered excitedly as she pulled a zombified version of Jungeun behind her, making the coffee in her grasp teeter dangerously close to spilling onto the sidewalk. Although the trio got along effortlessly, they had big differences in personality. Yerim and Jinsoul were extremely sociable, always making new friends and exuding confidence. Jungeun, on the other hand, tended to be more shy when first meeting people and because of this didn't make very many friends. She was alright with this, though; the ones she had she felt were more than enough for companionship. This didn't stop the bubbly duo from introducing Jungeun to their plethora of new acquaintances in an attempt to widen her social circle.

"How'd your little concert thing with Heejin go last night?" Jinsoul's loud voice in her ear jolted Jungeun from her barely alive state. "Also, let her know I'm sorry I didn't go. I couldn't get out of work," Jinsoul said with a pout. Yerim had also wanted to go but was too young to get into the club they had performed at. Jungeun was a little sad they hadn't gone, too, because then she might not have realized her troublesome emotions and wouldn't have to deal with feeling so conflicted.

"It was alright," Jungeun replied, "Heejin did great, of course. You guys will have to hear her sing sometime. She's really talented."

"Did you guys do anything afterwards? Like go out to celebrate or something?" Yerim questioned, turning back to raise her eyebrows suggestively at the girl she was still dragging behind her. "You sure look like you had a good time." Jungeun rolled her eyes as dramatically as she could muster in her current state. Before she had left, she had very little time to do damage control on her appearance after staying up way too late and waking up way too early. She had caught a ing glimpse of herself in the mirror hanging in the hallway of her apartment's front hall, though. It wasn't a very pretty sight.

The truth was that Jungeun had enjoyed herself last night. Despite having to endure a group of intoxicated guys and having a gay crisis to top it all off, she still had fun. She had fun whenever she was with Heejin. She enjoyed her company too much and that was quickly proving itself to be a problem. "Heejin made me go out with her boyfriend and his friends," Jungeun muttered begrudgingly. Jinsoul shot her a sympathetic look, sensing her sour mood towards the subject.

"Well, you're in luck because today is a girl's day," Jinsoul joked reassuringly, "no boyfriends or drunk guys. I promise."

"Speak for yourselves," Yerim retorted, "if a cute guy asks me out while we're shopping, girl's day is cancelled."

"Sorry, you're stuck with us, Yerim. You're too young to date," Jungeun said, flicking the back of her head. The younger girl shrieked in mock outrage while the other two cackled maniacally. Jungeun felt her spirits lifting slightly.

"Oh, look, there's Haseul!" Yerim interrupted before darting off towards a girl sitting in the corner of the shopping mall's food court, sipping on a drink while reading a book intently. She had straight reddish-brown hair that tumbled down her shoulders and a bit into her face as she leaned into her book. She wore a plain, oversized sweater and glasses that were slipping down the bridge of her nose. Jungeun briefly thought her vibe seemed very motherly. By the time Jinsoul and Jungeun had caught up to them, Yerim had already situated herself in the seat across from Haseul and was conversing with her excitedly. Once Haseul took notice of them standing near the edge of the table, she stood up awkwardly, playing with the hem of her sweater.

"Hi, you must be Jungeun. Yerim was just telling me about you," Haseul said, hesitantly holding out a hand. Jungeun took it and they gave each other a little shake and a small, polite bow. "I'm Haseul. We go to the same school, I'm in a different major, though."

"She should be a vocal major, though, with her singing voice," Yerim added.

"Oh, you sing?" Jungeun asked, curiosity peaked. Haseul went a little red and waved her hands in front of her, seeming embarrassed.

    "Not seriously, no," Haseul chuckled, "just kind of as a hobby. I do ire people who actually pursue it as a professional career, though. You must be very good at what you do, I don't have that much confidence in my abilities."

    Jungeun found herself blushing a little, too, at the offhanded complement. "Aw, our two songbirds are getting along already. I'd love to linger a bit longer but there are some killer deals going on right now and we don't have all day," Jinsoul chimed, grabbing onto Yerim's elbow and hoisting her out of her chair, enciting complaints from the younger. "Let's get this show on the road!" The blonde started trotting off, determination in her step, towing along the smaller, protesting girl. Jungeun an Haseul traded bewildered looks before following after them.

     The group spent a day on the town, shopping and sharing a lunch together at a cute cafe. Yerim and Jinsoul insisted on taking about a million selfies and pictures of their lunch for their social media. Jungeun ed in a little bit, but with much less vigor. Haseul just seemed happy to be included in the other girls' pictures, smiling widely and throwing peace signs around left and right. Yerim had been right; Jungeun thought the other girl was very likeable and they had been getting along really well, chatting about books and music while the other two messed around with filters on this new camera app they found. Jungeun had been almost completely successful in pushing last night's events to the back of her mind.

     The group parted ways after the sun went down and Jungeun made her way back to her apartment. To the time, she scrolled through her phone and looked at all the pictures Jinsoul and Yerim had posted and tagged her in. She smiled softly at them, still feeling joyful from spending a nice day with her friends. Then her phone pinged with a notification.

From: Heejin

omg, you know Haseul??

9:35 p

To: Heejin

I guess so, I just met her today actually haha. She's Jinsoul and Yerim's friend.

9:36 p

From: Heejin

what a small world. She's Hansol's childhood friend

9:40 p

To: Heejin

Oh wow, that's an odd coincidence

9:41 p

From: Heejin

mhm

9:45 p

Jungeun squinted at her phone. Had Heejin just been short with her? She didn't know what she could've done to make her angry so she just ignored it, brushing it off as her over-analyzing. She had made it back to her apartment and tossed her cell phone on her bed and headed over to her bathroom, wanting to take a shower after spending the day outside.

After she was done, she came back into the room, toweling off her damp hair. She flopped down onto the mattress and scooped her phone back up.

From: Heejin

can I come over?

10:00 p

    Jungeun's eyes darted up to her phone's clock. It was 10:25. "Shit," Jungeun whispered. She hoped Heejin wouldn't be offended that she had taken so long to respond.

To: Heejin

Of course! It's dark out, though, do you want me to meet you somewhere so you don't have to walk alone?

10:26 p

From: Heejin

I'm actually already outside haha

10:26 p

Jungeun gulped. She really hoped everything was okay. They had shared addresses a while ago but Heejin had never asked to come to her place and the fact she came without waiting for a response made Jungeun feel nervous. Without hesitating she hopped from the bed and jogged out of her apartment and down the stairs towards the lobby. Heejin sat on one of the old, dusty loveseats staring blankly at the TV that had been put there to make the lobby seem more homely. It wasn't even on.

"Hey, Heejin," Jungeun huffed, out of breath from running down the stairs. Heejin jumped slightly but composed herself and stood, smiling at her.

"Sorry I came so unexpectedly, I was just in the area and thought it'd be nice to talk to you," Heejin said with a small laugh. For some reason Jungeun felt like that wasn't the complete truth.

"It's really fine, I would've said yeah sooner but I was in the shower," Jungeun explained, leading her away from the lobby and towards the stairwell to her apartment. She hadn't expected a visitor, especially not Heejin, and didn't get the chance to tidy up the place before she arrived. She had her fingers crossed that it wasn't in complete disarray.

"I can tell," Heejin chuckled, this time her laughter sounding more genuine. Jungeun felt the blood quickly rush to her face. She still had her hair wrapped up in a towel and had only thrown on a bathrobe in her haste, not really thinking of her appearance. At least Heejin didn't seem scandalized by how she was dressed.

They entered the apartment and Heejin walked in slowly, scoping out the area. Jungeun again wished that she had had time to clean; there was take out food containers from earlier that day still sitting out on the kitchen counter and there was some clothes still strewn across the floor from her rush to get dressed that morning. "I didn't know you lived in a studio," Heejin commented, making herself at home and plopping down onto the edge of the bed. The situation was getting more and more nerve wracking.

"Yeah, it's small but I manage," Jungeun replied, thoroughly embarrassed.

"I think it's cozy." Heejin fiddled with her hands resting on her lap, twisting and untwisting her fingers almost rhythmically. They were avoiding eye and Jungeun wasn't sure why. The air felt heavy and she hoped it was just lingering steam from the shower she had taken not long before. She inhaled shakily. "... Can I tell you something?" Heejin began after a long, long moment of complete and utter silence. Jungeun nodded helplessly. "I was angry with you earlier. I feel ashamed because you did nothing wrong but I still felt angry. When I saw that you were hanging out with Haseul, I felt... jealous?" Heejin finally raised her eyes to meet Jungeun's and couldn't decipher the emotions behind them. She waited for Heejin to keep explaining herself while holding her breath. "Haseul didn't do anything to deserve my feelings towards her, I'm sure she's nice, otherwise Hansol wouldn't keep being friends with her... but that's why I feel so jealous. It's like, they're so close. Probably closer than I am to Hansol. He tells her everything. Why can't he tell me everything, Jungeun? What is so different that he can't open up to me like he does with her?"

    Jungeun gawked at her with wide eyes, probably looking similar to an owl in that moment. "I..." Jungeun started, voice coming out hoarse. She cleared her throat before starting again. "I don't really know, Heejin. I'm sorry."

"I know, I know... I don't expect you to have the answers. I just can't understand, you know? I'm trying to make sense of everything." Heejin sighed, exasperated. She hid her face in her hands. "When I saw that you were hanging out with her, too... I don't know, I just..." Heejin sniffled lightly, looking like she was holding back tears, "I thought 'am I losing Jungeun, too?' Silly, right?" The brunette laughed humorlessly.

"I don't think you're being silly." Jungeun hesitantly moved to sit next to Heejin on the bed, the indentation of her added weight causing the other to lean onto her side. She stayed there, arm pressed against the other, and rested her head onto Jungeun's shoulder. "It's normal to feel jealous and angry. It's what you do about how you feel that matters. I think you opening up about it is the first step to dealing with it properly." Jungeun felt guilty. She was being a hypocrite.

"You don't think I'm a bad person for feeling that way towards Haseul?" Heejin asked softly. Jungeun wanted to tell her that she thought she was an amazing person. That she didn't think ill of the other and nothing could change that. That she was perfect the way she was. Instead, Jungeun decided to keep it short and simple.

"No, I don't think you're a bad person." Jungeun gave her a gentle pat on the head and a smile tugged at Heejin's lips. "We can watch some TV if you want. Maybe it'll take your mind off things," she offered to the small brunette at her side.

"That sounds nice," Heejin replied, her smile finally reaching her eyes. The two made themselves comfortable on the bed and flicked on Jungeun's small television with the remote, digging their toes into the blankets to keep them warm in the somewhat drafty apartment. At one point Jungeun decided to order some takeout for the both of them and when it arrived they scarfed the food down hungrily, humming in appreciation while the movie they had chosen played quietly in the background. The mood had lightened considerably and talking casually came easily. They chatted and laughed into the early morning hours, neither of them realizing how much time had ed until Heejin peeked at her phone and saw the little digital clock on the screen. She gasped. "Oh my gosh, it's so late. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to stay so long. You probably want to go to sleep," Heejin said guiltily. As if on cue, Jungeun let out a huge yawn.

"It's okay," Jungeun uttered groggily after the yawn ed, "I don't mind you being here." She paused for a moment, chewing on her lip while debating. "... you could stay, if you want." Jungeun was thankful for the dark as it concealed her embarrassing blush.

    Heejin perked up. "You meant it? I wouldn't want to be any trouble to you," Heejin said, offering the other a chance to change her mind. Jungeun would have felt bad if she sent her home so late at night, though. She also just really didn't want her to leave.

     "You wouldn't be any trouble. I can sleep on the futon, I do a lot of the time anyway. It's surprisingly comfortable," she replied with a crooked smile. "You can borrow some pajamas, too, if you want." Jungeun assumed it wouldn't be very comfortable for her to sleep in her elegant looking blouse and skirt.

     Heejin gazed down at herself, fiddling with the girly frills on her outfit and Jungeun could tell she was thinking the same thing. "You're too nice to me, Jungeun," Heejin murmured sincerely, peeking up at Jungeun shyly through her long, dark lashes. Jungeun's heart felt like someone had wrapped their fingers around it and squeezed. Without responding, Jungeun got up and collected some spare clothes from her drawers and handed them to the girl still sitting expectantly on her bed. "I'll, uh... go get changed in the bathroom," Heejin said awkwardly as she received the pile of clothes and scurried off to the other room.

     After she had disappeared behind the door, Jungeun lowered herself onto the bed with a drawn out sigh. This wasn't exactly how she had planned the day to end but she guessed she wasn't exactly complaining. It was all just so... unexpected. She felt like she had a case of whiplash.  From the second Heejin entered the apartment she hadn't been able to breath properly. During her time spent there, though, she felt like they became closer somehow. There's something so personal about opening up your living space to someone else to see in all it's messy glory. Jungeun hadn't yet decided if getting closer was a good idea or not. If she got closer to Heejin, would her feelings for her grow to the point that she could no longer pretend they weren't there? If it came to that point, Jungeun was sure that things would not end well for her. She knew feeling anything more than platonic affection for the other would only cause her pain. Was she willing to risk that?

    The creaking of the bathroom door opening distracted her from her thoughts and she looked up to see Heejin standing in the doorway, light flooding in from the room behind her and creating a halo effect around her. The shirt and pants she had given her were slightly too big for her and hung loosely off her tiny body. Her feet were bare and Jungeun could see that she was clenching and unclenching her small toes nervously. When she looked at her face, she noticed that she was no longer wearing makeup. She looked young for a college student anyway, but without the minimal amounts of makeup that she normally wore, she looked even more youthful. Jungeun was sure that at that moment Heejin was the most adorable thing she had seen in her entire life. "How do I look?" Heejin asked jokingly. Although her voice had been barely above a whisper, it sounded loud in the dead silence of the apartment.

"Cute," she replied dreamily. Crap, Jungeun though. She really hadn't meant to say that. She was no longer hidden in the darkness and was sure that the blush on her face would be obvious. A feeling of dread started welling within her as she waited for Heejin to react.

     The other girl seemed surprised at her reply and went into a similar state of embarrassment. "T-thanks," she stuttered out, a small smirk spreading across her pink-tinted face. Heejin's expression softened, though, after a moment. "... and thanks for letting me stay, Jungeun. I know I came over out of the blue. I've been having a hard time and today I just felt so... lonely." She came across the room and placed herself next to Jungeun. "I don't feel that way anymore. Thank you for being there for me." She had found her hand amongst the blankets between them and enveloped it with her own, intertwining their fingers and giving a gentle squeeze. She only held on for a moment before pulling away, climbing further up onto the bed and nestling herself under the duvet, peering out at her with a playful look in her eyes. "Enjoy your futon."

Jungeun couldn't help but laugh fondly. "You're evil."

     She got up and turned off the bathroom light, throwing the room into darkness once again. She found her futon from memory and curled up on it, nuzzling into the spare blanket that was not nearly as warm as the duvet. She couldn't bring herself to care, though.

    "Goodnight, Jungeun," Heejin's soft voice came from somewhere within the darkness some time later, sounding ethereal to Jungeun's barely conscious ears.

     "Goodnight, Heejin," she muttered. Before sleep found her, she came to the conclusion that if her heart was going to be broken, she was okay with it as long as Heejin was the one doing it. So she decided to continue walking towards her slow, sweet demise.

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