[fanfic] shades of red: chapter four

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***

When the clouds

And the sun shines

At that time

My heart blossoms again

I can't hide it

Heejin's soft, melodic voice filled the room as she sang into the microphone of the open mic club. The crowd swayed to the rhythm and Jungeun nodded her head along to the beat, eyes focused on playing the keyboard. She wanted to make sure she didn't mess anything up. When she did allow herself a few seconds to peek up at Heejin, she caught glimpses of her perched upon the stool she sat on, skirt billowing around her thighs gracefully. She wore a shirt that was equally elegant, a floral blouse that complemented her slender frame. Her neatly done curls rippled down past her shoulders like cascading waves.  Her romantic looks and sweet sounding voice made it hard to not devote your entire attention to her. Something about her aura, her little smiles and shy glances out to the audience,  had her glowing under the spotlights of the club and it was captivating.

The song came to an end and the audience clapped wildly, accompanied by some whistling and hooting. Heejin's face lit up and she stood and gave a few little bows to the audience and waved happily. Jungeun stood from her spot behind the keyboard and gave her own little bow to the crowd. She was sure no one really noticed, though; Heejin had stole the show. Heejin came bounding over to her, barely able to contain her excitement and went to grab Jungeun into another tight hug. This time, Jungeun was less phased and gave her a little squeeze back. They pulled apart, but Heejin kept a hold on Jungeun's hands, intertwining her fingers with her own. "You sounded great," Jungeun said sincerely.

"You played great! I felt really professional because of it," Heejin giggled. "I know I said this before, but thank you for doing this. I had a lot of fun."

"Me, too,"  Jungeun replied, letting out a small, content sigh. They stayed like that for a moment, smiling at one another with their hands locked together, not saying a word. Jungeun didn't have any urge to move or break the serene quiet between them.

"Heejin!" a male voice called from off the stage. They both turned to look. Hansol was pushing his way ed the crowd, holding an enormous bouquet in one hand and waving with the other. Jungeun gently pulled her hands out of Heejin's and turned away, moving to collect her keyboard and other equipment. "Heejin," Hansol breathed out, closer this time. Jungeun was trying to tune them out, although that was hard due to them being right beside her. "That was a great show! You sung so beautifully!"

"Thank you," Heejin replied bashfully. Jungeun didn't have to look to hear the smile in her voice. "I couldn't have done it without Jungeun, though. She helped a lot." At the mention of her name she turned to face them awkwardly, scratching at the back of her head in a nervous gesture.

"Ah, I really didn't do much. Heejin is the really talented one," Jungeun countered out of embarassment. She eyed the bouquet that was now clutched in Heejin's hands, pressed against her heart. They were an array of roses, all in different shades of red from a dark burgundy to a light pink. Heejin looked as if she was about to start protesting but Hansol cut her off.

"Wanna get going to the bar? My friends are waiting for us," Hansol said as he pointed towards the exit of the club. There was, indeed, a few guys lingering there and, seeing Hansol point to them, started waving. Heejin hummed out a noise of affirmation and nodded lightly, her lips still curled in a delicate smile. Jungeun was about to turn away again, figuring she was being dismissed, but Heejin looked over to her with her big, gentle eyes and froze her where she stood.

"You should come with us, Jungeun! It'd be nice to not be the only girl."

Jungeun didn't exactly feel a mad desire to sit around with a bunch of drunk boys, but she supposed neither did Heejin if she was asking. How was she supposed to say no? "I mean, sure, if that's alright. I don't want to impose or anything," she replied, still hoping she might be offered and a chance to back out.

"Of course it's okay! I don't care, and Hansol doesn't care, do you?" Heejin said, turning her doe eyes up to the tall boy beside her. He shook his head and Heejin looked back to Jungeun with a definitive smile. "Alright, then, let's go!" Heejin motioned for Jungeun to follow after her as they made their way out of the club.

***

Hansol's friends were just as boasterous as Jungeun had feared they would be, talking and laughing loudly at each other even though they were all within a small space. Heejin gave Jungeun an apologetic smile from where she sat tucked underneath the arm of her boyfriend. Jungeun was getting progressively more annoyed with Hansol; he barely talked to Heejin the entire night, which Jungeun could sense she was upset about as her form was rigid and her lips were pursed, and when Heejin had went to order a beer he talked over her and ordered her a soda instead. Jungeun was sure he had caught her narrowing her eyes at him in annoyance. Despite being obviously upset, Heejin didn't complain and remained silent, still offering a smile when she happened to be brought into the conversation.

At one point, someone had brought up that Heejin and Hansol had known each other in high school. Hansol joked that Heejin had been crazy about him and she gave him a playful shove. "It was not like that," Heejin denied with an embarassed laugh, although she seemed pleased that the topic had changed to something she could talk about. The couple proceeded to recall stories from their high school years, and Jungeun itted that the stories were a little endearing. At least it was endearing the way Heejin told them, talking wistfully about their past with a nostaligic joy. Jungeun squirmed in her seat uncomfortably and looked away from Heejin, keeping her eyes on the drink in her hands that she had been taking little sips from the entirety of the time they had been there.  She wasn't really in the mood to possibly become a blubbering mess so she was making sure she drank it slowly. The topic changed again and Jungeun sighed in relief. There was something about couples unabashedly talking about their happiness that made her feel on edge. She lifted her eyes and peeked up at Heejin through her lashes and saw she looked a little dejected. This was confusing as she had just been perfectly fine.

"Hey, Hansol, I think I'm going to start heading home. It's getting late," Heejin interrupted his conversation tentatively.

"Oh, alright, but let me walk you home," he said, quickly turning his attention back to her.

"No, I'm fine, really! I don't live very far from here and I'd feel bad to make you leave when you're having a good time," Heejin murmurred.

"Yeah, Hansol, she'll be okay! We've barely even started drinking!" one of his friends piped up and the others voiced their aggreement. Jungeun frowned.

"I can walk with you, Heejin. I think I'm ready to get going myself," Jungeun spoke up before Hansol responded. She really had been waiting to leave for awhile but wanted to make sure Heejin got home okay so she figured she would stick around until she left. This was the perfect opportunity to escape from the bar and the loud group of boys. Also, there was no way she would stick around with them after Heejin decided to leave, regardless of if it was with her or Hansol.

"See, Hansol? Heejin's fine, she's got Jungeun to protect her," another of his friends reassured him. Hansol seemed a bit reluctant but didn't give much of an argument, just told her to call him when she got home safely. She obliged and they walked out of the bar side by side.

It was nice to be out in the fresh night air after being in a stuffy bar that smelled of alcohol and was uncomfortably warm from the heat of a collective mass of bodies. Jungeun breathed in deeply through her nose and exhaled slowly from her mouth, savoring the chill that it brought to her flushed skin. She definately wasn't as intoxicated as she had been when she went out with Jinsoul, but her head was still swimming slightly in a way that wasn't totally disorienting or unpleasant. They walked slowly, neither of them seeming to be in any particular rush to get to their destinations. Jungeun's mind kept conjuring up things she could possiby say to the girl trotting along side her, different ways to start a coversation, but nothing felt right. Eventually she just accepted their night stroll would be a wordless one. Jungeun didn't really mind, as the silences between them never really felt awkward.

The two came to a street corner, and Jungeun moved to turn and continue the walk but Heejin had halted, eyes downcast. Jungeun stepped back to where she had paused, concern making her eyebrows furrow. "Is everything alright?" she asked, hand moving involuntarily to rest on her arm.

When Heejin looked up at her, Jungeun saw that there were tears welling up in those big, brown eyes that she was so used to being filled with kindness and joy. Her eyes welled over and the tears streamed down her dismal, lovely face . Jungeun had a feeling in her gut similar to the sensation of being dropped from a great height. She was watching  her friend's face crumple before her as any bit of composure she had been hanging onto started to slip through her fingers and she began to cry. Heejin's discheveled appearance was as heartbreaking as it was beautiful. Jungeun had a strong urge to take that delicate face into her hands and wipe the tears away with her thumb, imagining the feeling of the soft skin of her cheeks beneath the pads of her fingers. Instead, she captured Heejin's sobbing frame into her arms, hugging her gently so that if she wanted to pull away, she could. Heejin just moved closer, burying her face into the crook of Jungeun's neck and hands circling around her back to clutch onto fistfuls of the fabric of her shirt, as if she was trying hard to hold herself in place. Jungeun hesitantly moved the hair clinging to Heejin's wet cheeks away from her face, tucking it behind her ear.

"I'm s-sorry," Heejin sputtered out between sobs, "I don't know why I'm crying..."

"Is it Hansol?" Jungeun whispered.

Heejin shrugged weakly. "I don't know... maybe I'm just being crazy, but..." she raised her tear-stained face up to peer up at Jungeun. She stared down at her, faces so close she could feel her warm breath fan across her face, and she felt a lump starting to form in her throat. She swallowed nervously. "I just feel like things have... changed? Between Hansol and I. Its like we're forcing ourselves to try to keep each other happy because, for some reason, it's not happening naturally anymore." Heejin trembled, overcome by another wave of tears. "I'm scared, Jungeun. I don't know what to do... I don't want to lose him." Heejin's words rang through Jungeun's mind hollowly. For a moment, she felt that she could Heejin in crying on the dark sidewalk, but she collected herself and shoved that feeling away into a deep corner of her mind. She had to be strong for her friend.

"You should tell him how you feel," Jungeun suggested. She mustered up a reassuring smile. "It could help if you talked about it. Maybe you could work something out." Heejin was still just inches from her face, she could see the street lights reflected in her puffy eyes, swollen from crying. Her pink lips were parted slightly with soft breaths coming and leaving between them. The sight of her so vulnerable and trusting in Jungeun's arms made her strength crack momentarily. "... I want you to be happy, Heejin," she murmured.

Heejin's breath seemed to catch in her throat and she continue to look silently up at the other girl, her eyes widening slightly. Jungeun wasn't sure if she was imagining it or not, but it seemed like a deep blush was blooming on her face. She realized in that moment that she wanted nothing more than to be able to lean down and close the short distance between their faces and make their lips meet. The thought alone was dizzying. She wondered how Heejin would react. Would she push her away and scream at her in disgust, never to speak to her again? Or, would she return the kiss, pressing her body closer to hers until they melted together?

Before Jungeun let her impulses get the better of her, she untangled herself from Heejin and took a small step back. The other simply stood there, abandoned arms hanging limply at her sides. "We should go," was all Jungeun said. Heejin paused briefly before nodding. They walked the rest of the way in silence.

***

Once Jungeun made it back to her room, she collapsed onto the bed. She laid there for a moment, contemplating the events of the night. It had went by in a surreal blur and she still wasn't completely convinced that she hadn't dreamt it all. Her phone buzzed next to her, muffled by the blankets. She picked it up and examined the screen.

From: Heejin

You make it back okay?

1:03 a

To: Heejin

Yeah. Safe and sound.

1:04 a

To: Heejin

How are you feeling?

1:04 a

From: Heejin

I'm alright. Sorry about earlier TT I don't know what came over me haha. Thanks for listening though! I do feel a bit  better now that I got that out of my system.

1:07 a

To: Heejin

No problem. :) you don't need to feel sorry.

1:10 a

From: Heejin

I'm going to head to bed now. Goodnight, Jungeun. <3

1:15 a

To: Heejin

goodnight. Sweet dreams, Heejin.

1:21 a

After she sent the last text, she placed her phone on the bedside table and huddled underneath her duvet, trying to smother the fire burning on her face. She had itted  to herself that she liked Heejin. She liked her more than it was normal to like a friend. After itting it to herself, it dawned on her how hopeless her situation was. She had a crush on a girl already in a relationship. With a boy. So, regardless of her relationship status, Heejin probably didn't even like other girls that way. She figured the best thing she could do would be to ignore it and hope those unwanted feelings went away.

Exhausted, Jungeun closed her eyes and willed sleep to take her. As she drifted, she replayed the image of Heejin, face flushed a pretty crimson color, looking up from where she stood pressed against her chest and, for a moment, Jungeun let herself believe that in that instant the other girl had felt a semblance of the emotions that she felt for her. After that moment came to an end, she forced the image from her mind and vowed to not let it return. She fell asleep shortly after.

***

chapter five >>