Hell’s sanctuary
A poem + short
Story written
By Deroute
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The world
Was wiped
From colour
Stripped away
From it’s joy
Brights lights
Spark happinesses
My eyes drawn
To its beauty
In the world
However
In a split second
All of these joys
Are gone
A world without
Colour is no world
At all.
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Bleak Colour
My steps were tentative as I walked down the street - my eyes drawn to nothing - everything was bleak. A colourless world sounds fine, right? But it’s sorrow that looms over the world the darkness that looms is heavy and hollow, the world has been stripped away from its freedom and happiness that it once had.
Left Right
Eveywhere my eyes would dart, everyone strolled in the same melancholic manor, there eyes solemn and sunken. They were all stuck in the same low trance. My eyes darted around, taking in my new surroundings, the tall city buildings felt intimidating as they loomed over the streets, the street lights flickered a blindingly white light, the streets, once a lively place...
Quiet.
Light Dark
Everyday my eyes were greeted by the sunny weather that poured through the windows. Every step I took, I was met with sunshine and glee that radiated off the glorious weather.
But now...
Everything was different.
Rain continuously pounded against the streets and roofs of buildings. A violent act of a revolt, as the sun was taken captive.
Sun Moon
A day had gone by without colour (it felt like the longest day of my life, it dragged its heals relentlessly and protested against joy). The sky, once beautiful orange and pink tones that faded into the night sky, replaced by a moping monochromatic darkness that run chills down my spine.
This was Hell’s sanctuary. He was now king of the over world.
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![Hell’s Sanctuary-[c]Hell’s sanctuary
[c]A poem + short
[c]Story written
[c]By Deroute
[c]————————
[c]The world
[c]Was wi](https://image.staticox.com/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fpm1.aminoapps.descargarjuegos.org%2F7238%2F4f325c97ff0fd23f92dae7b7c5479d1435883f57r1-750-1129v2_hq.jpg)
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Comments (4)
Hi there, it's Kyu from the committee! (Better late than never, right? :'])
I think we should start the off with the overall flow of words. While reading your piece, I noticed that you seemed to focus a lot on the rhythm of your words. Sure, there were areas that were choppier than others, but the overall flow was pretty mellow and almost rhythmic. Pulling that off in plain writing is quite a feat, and it honestly makes the piece more enjoyable in my opinion. At the same time, you make it easier and people won't even realise they finished reading it once they reached the end! Honestly, it's a win-win for you, but it still takes talent to do something like that! Kudos to you!
Of course, there was the occasional grammar error, but I'm going to plop down the #editingreview tag here since VS has its own editing committee that could handle all of that for you. Besides that, I really wished you used more personification in your writing here. I have absolutely no idea why, but I felt like giving these random scenes more human attributes would make it ring more with readers. Describe the emotions attributed with the sun being blocked out, or the color fading away. How does nature react to the disappearance of color? I would personally really enjoy something like that, and it could also help make this written piece a bit longer (in case you were interested in that). Besides that, I believe it would be easier to convey emotions with those associations, but this was still a marvelous read either way!
After rereading, it was the "sun taken captive" line that got me started on that.
Finally, let's talk about dichotomy. You used these opposite concepts to organise your story/poem and hit the main points with frightening accuracy. Everything was laid out for the reader and helped contribute to their overall understanding of the poem. What would the world be like without these things? Everything seemed so finely placed that I honestly could not think of any other order to put these things in without losing the meaning in the words. Seriously, it was genius starting with a prompt like "what is a world with no color" and expanding it to all of these other black and white ideas that we never seem to think about. It really brings everything into the light as readers consider little things they take for granted like the sun and moon and the existence of color. It's just a nice original twist from you that I adored, and that was the cherry on top of everything in your writing.
I'd really like to thank you for posting this amazing piece of work on VS! Good luck on any other creative project you decide to pursue and I wish you a wonderful day/night!
dichotomy more personification flow of language (more word choice)
Thank you so much for your ! It’s greatly appreciated. I’ll definitely use the editing review tag as well. Thanks for also suggesting that for me.
Lovely piece of writing! Thank you for participating even when you’re not qualifying for the price :hearts: :hearts: :hearts: :hearts: :hearts:
Thank you and thanks for creating such an interesting prompt I loved this challenge so much!